A Hairy Reminder…

Of masking and conditioning

Full audio narration of my piece

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the volume of my hair. My Autist satire, eh, a moment of wiredness I had to get out of me after a long week. I have thick, naturally curly hair, which my hairdresser has assured me is thriving even post-menopause. In Ireland, curly hair can naturally be associated with redheads, which I embraced as a child with my freckles (like Annie in the film). My hair went brown at five years of age.

Please don’t quote me, but I believe only 11% of the world’s population has naturally curly hair. The gene needs to be dominant in one parent. My parents had sleek, straight, dark black hair and sallow-tanned skin! I will leave that one to my imagination for now. Curly hair behaves in multiple ways, as I do, too, based on my genetic profile. My curly hair can be wiry, fiery, untamed or sleek, bouncy, calm, and tame. In my photos, my hair can be poker straight, sleeked off my head in a bun, or a bandana, but here is the thing: it will always want to return to its original state. Curls. And even after my stylist brushed it out of its natural habitat yesterday to colour it. Now, I’m not quite ready to give up my curls to my grey hair. I get my hair dyed every three months. (Despite beauty conditioning, I don’t regret being that superficial and indifferent in this context.) By the way, that’s my serious expression face. Scary! No, I just got older. I’ll permit myself to accept that organically.

Going back to my metaphorical translation, I’m attempting to say that, in essence, I can do multiple things with my hair despite its wiry, fiery nature as I can with my brain, but my brain will always want to return to its natural, atypical ways of my human nature and genetic make-up.

My neuroplasticity is neurodivergent.

I have good hair on some days and bad hair on other days.

In the autism community, this is referred to as a “spiky profile” because individuals with neurodivergence are more likely to do well in certain areas and poorly in others. This is seen in a “skill profile” with peaks and valleys rather than a steady “middle ground.” Some of you know that I frequently refer to my median as my middle ground, which is difficult to attain because I’m an all-or-nothing person.

Regarding my autistic autonomy, I would instead describe this as my “wiry fiery,” not as “spiky.” For me, having the freedom to choose my language is crucial. Because in my head, this is symbiotic, with my atypical brain neurons firing and wiring together differently, with much strength and tenacity at times, and then the inevitability of the challenges of being human.

The wilderness in my brushed-out hair reminded me of my slippage from having an atypically wired brain to having a masked, typically rewired brain within protective masking and unmasking. I now ensure that, like my hair, I allow my brain to return to its original state more since my late diagnosis to avoid reentering the chronic burnout of my 30s. And I do that now with much more grace.

No matter what I can do with my hair, I will always have naturally curly hair.

No matter what I can do with my brain, I will always have a naturally atypical brain.

I will always be proudly Autistic.

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