The Hidden Disability of Visibility
And the visible value-driven ability of invisibility
Full audio narration by me here.
I got hit by a slow-moving vehicle yesterday, on a pedestrian crossing
From a note on feeling invisible, the bittersweet irony.
See Joe's subsequent piece on the eternal question of how to make a living from the things we enjoy doing, such as our writing, and the value found therein via The Hermit Coach.
Alas, here as a new week begins with trying to motivate myself to get the creative juices flowing, but not overflowing to the point of decision-making paralysis on what to write, how to write, or even why I write. More on that later. However, when I open up my substack feed or my other platform, namely LinkedIn (I have long fled the sadistic self-berating of the other platforms), there is still a tendency for comparison to ensue. Despite many years of writing and running my business, I still need to draw parallels between other's visibility and what feels like my invisibility.
The plethora of lessons learned on getting paid subscribers and reaching subscriber goals to getting the coveted tick mark on here from the coaches and trainers over on LinkedIn who have sold more than 100 courses on launching in 23 minutes and made £20k in just over two days if credible and can be validated, which of course would make you want to switch the laptop off and run for the hills while acknowledging that there are days on end where it literally feels like this screaming into the void.
Of course, some of these authors and creators also happen to be autistic, have ADHD, or both, which only heightens my level of self-imposed criticism of my executive function and hyperfocus challenges, which either seem to be in abundance or scarcity. I consciously have to watch how I talk to myself in this space as I do their burning out for them, just watching them and reminding myself that some are far younger than my 47 years, which is okay, too. I am also not oblivious to the level of hyperfocus some younger generations sadly need to live in this current global economic situation. Many have had no choice but to learn so much in such a short space of time, through necessity as secondary to curiosity to stay afloat.
I am still learning. I am just grateful I don't need to learn at that rate currently, as my brain would sizzle as it did in my late 20s and 30s, and that sizzle led to a fizzle that continued for a long time in the form of chronic burnout. The hidden disability of visibility is always having to show up in the daily grind while concealing the true self. That is when one can end up spending any income they had put aside for a rainy day trying to get their health back. My eyes are watering at flashbacks to my past medical expenses, insurance, and more. Cry me a river, eh? But sadly, the show must go on, so I have no time for that today. Perhaps tomorrow, I will set aside some time for crying rivers and access the catharsis therein with interoceptive reflection.
But what I do have as a new week begins is self-compassion to allow myself to sit with and acknowledge the creative projects that I can fit around my energy now as I age, and my writing is one of them. You see, recently, I'm not sure if it's because of my age, brain fog, postmenopause, life in general, increased distraction despite having no other social media apps, or just because I'm blaming being autistic, or actually, with self-compassion, maybe it is from being autistic. Still, there are more of those feeling invisible screaming into the void moments than ever. Another factor to consider is the algorithms that promote indignation and drama since people are so easily distracted. Grabbing attention aggressively now is needed in abundant states of unawareness of what that is truly doing to one's mind. However, I am unable to perform the dramatic algorithmic scoring antics. It is so very draining.
Then I had the actual well-jeez experience of seeing an article on Substack over the weekend that celebrated reaching 6,000 subscribers but ironically only had two paid subscribers (still an achievement). Still, the exhaustion surfaced within me at the potential level of screaming into the voids and energy deficits navigated to get two paid subscribers. However, Elizabeth gracefully noted this nugget of self-compassion, which I also advocate.
Embrace slow growth.
It’s hard not to compare myself to other newsletter writers who’ve seen explosive growth — gaining tens of thousands of subscribers in a year. When I fall down this rabbit hole, I remind myself that I’ve built real connections and that matters.
In a time when social media has fueled envy and comparisons over illusory things, real connections can still exist and bring far more merit. Whereas so many people can fall into the trap of defaulting to believing debunked rhetoric about success using vanity metrics and thus develop envy of lives, wealthier statuses, and entrepreneurial success that doesn't even exist.
Our writing paths and business of writing can elicit many elusive skills that can help us gain momentum on a broader scale during these gradual stages of development. I wanted to elaborate on this by highlighting the fact that after almost seven years of writing and consulting, I can finally reframe this as, instead, I have accessed some of the advantageous aspects of patient impulse control instead of feeling like I was endlessly screaming into the void as many of us do on occasion, and I have again recently.
Shutting down many of my social media accounts over the past few years has taught me a valuable lesson. One account in particular on Instagram attracted a lot of followers quickly, but with that came the toxic bullshit burn, or, as it is also become known to me in the reflective writing of this article, the hidden disability of visibility with increased anxiety, pressure to perform, and inevitably the internet sex pests and more.
If you need this today, here is a gentle reminder that you don't have to be everywhere to get somewhere. For many like myself, true effectiveness comes with emotional awareness of one's needs. I gave up chasing the goose for its golden eggs and started looking after the goose. Because if we adopt a pattern of life that focuses on golden eggs and neglects the goose, we will soon be without the asset that produces golden eggs. Our whole selves.
The moral of the story?
Don’t kill your goose, and make yourself your number one priority in life. Then, you can show up in the best capacity for the people you love and honour creative projects like your writing, your art, or whatever your craft looks like for you that sustains and does not drain your energy. For me, that prioritization has regularly meant the difference between ‘getting in a state’ and ‘being in a fit state’ to do that business of writing that draws people who get it to my work and reminds me to let go of the metric-driven impatience and be more patient with myself. I can be that person.
And so I return to my words above.
What I do have is self-compassion to try and sit with and acknowledge the creative projects that I can fit around my energy now as I age, and my writing is one of them.
I reflect in a more resonant reframing context because I know I have done the work with a collective following of nearly 7,000 on LinkedIn, its subsequent newsletter, and Medium, but it took almost seven years. Slow, slow, slow growth like snail's pace, but in that space, much trust and industry acumen show up as ability in invisibility. And just because some can't or won't pay for your work or your writing doesn't necessarily mean they don't value it or that what you put out there in your words and actions won't come back to you in the form of love notes from the universe. Shoutout to a new follower this week!
Also, how cool is this?
A Message From The Universe
I have made the conscious choice not to let elements of past impatience and compulsive comparisons in seeking visibility try to derail or disable me again. Because inevitably, when I begin something new like my Substack, I feel that I must do this or that to grow and end up engaged in endless article archives on growth, and I stop growing as a human being, just being me and writing for me. The influx of information dumps drains the passion for my writing out of me. Paying the price because I have put a price on it to consume also invokes a sense of dread, which meant I had considered removing the paywalls.
However, with a bit of compassionate resolve because I know my work is valued, I have decided to switch to a pledge support option, or people can still support my writing over on my Ko-fi. I have also resolved that this publication will likely have no definitive beginning, middle, or end. Still, it will continue consistently inconsistently, imperfectly perfect with some articles like today's with audio and some without! They may arrive in my subscribers' inboxes on Monday, Wednesday, or Sunday some weeks and may not be on others.
The only thing I can guarantee is my conscious consistency in embracing and engaging more in consideration of my needs. I have removed the paywalls from now on, not out of resignation or defeat but rather in acknowledgement that the paywall is currently removing my focus and limiting my why for writing. I do it because I love it, and it is cathartic. But I can only do it when I have the energy because reflective head-and-heart writing takes me much longer to process and recover from. I get healing hangovers from my writing, and I must give myself that time without beating myself up over growth or metrics because that is far more important to honour. And so before I go, another gentle reminder: no matter where you are in your writing or business of writing, your thoughts and ideas are worth implementing and sharing. I'm telling you that today in case nobody else does.
In case you haven’t already noticed, I am writing and sharing all these articles from my head and heart as a legacy book with many chapters where the main character (me) has fallen back in love with herself as a reflective writer and reader. And so, as a result, I am sliding some love notes in the form of the universe and paying them back and forward into the inboxes that graciously consented to my presence there when I can do so energy-dependent, just as I am doing now.
Thank you for reading.
Healing
Harmony
Health.
Have a good week ahead.
