Have You Ever Felt Like An Intruder In Your Life?
Damn You Imposter Syndrome Eh!
Have you ever felt like an imposter in your life? Do you have imposter syndrome? You are not alone, but you can overcome it. The 6th of December 2014. Three years ago to the day. My husband caught this shot of me at the André Rieu concert in Dublin’s 3 Arena. This picture tells a different story than it paints.
I thought I was on top of the world. I felt like I had all my shit together. There is is a lot of pressure to have your shit together and be perfect. Sometimes I can feel like a total fraud even though I know that is not my truth. From May 2014 to this date I had achieved my health and wellness goals.
The weight was gone, and I was pain-free, but I was still in emotional pain. I still had healing to do and forgive myself for the mistakes I had made in the past. But what if I make them again? This might be hard to maintain.
This new found me was all quite overwhelming. I found myself fighting demons and resistance. Christmas was around the corner. I didn’t think I could handle the pressure. So much food and drink. Christmas parties and events. I convinced myself I would be back to square one by January 1st in the space of a few weeks.
OMG Freaking out!
Every word in this word cloud resonated with me. I set myself up for the holiday season to run around like a headless turkey in a state of anxiety and stress.
I felt like an imposter in my life. A prisoner of my success. I didn’t deserve this even though I had worked so hard for it. Believe it or not, I still get days in life and business like this. I will admit in my case that it never goes away, but I learned to control it. Every morning when standing in the shower I repeat show up brave, stand out and shout out. Even if no one hears you, it doesn’t matter. You showed up. You are a success.
Then I blast the cold water on my back that reinforces the feel good about myself hormones I tell you!”
Some days the bravest thing you can do is show up. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Despite my success, I thought I was not good enough. Sooner or later, someone, everyone, will find me out to be a big failure again. Behind every single person with imposter syndrome, there is a terror of failure. Imposter syndrome affects far more women than men. In my work with women, I have spoken with many who said they were afraid to succeed as they felt they were not worthy of it. Been there done that!
Some of the insights they gave me about their bouts of imposter syndrome ranged from:
1.Ingrained beliefs from childhood.
2. Fear of judgment.
3. Fear of failure.
4. Too high expectations.
5. Modesty.
6. A lack of self-confidence.
I had to figure my trigger and identify that my imposter syndrome events arose from the fear of being found out! About what I am not quite sure because I have nothing to hide! My belief is mine stems from the fear of being fake. A lot of what we can see online can be so far removed from reality that the need to keep proving how “authentic” I am seems to keep showing up.
But how I respond to it is key. You can read my piece on Linkedin on how to overcome the pressure of showing up authentic. It is becoming as bad as the pressure of perfection.
Linda Carli a social psychology professor at Wellesley College and coauthor of Through the Labyrinth: The Truth About How Women Become Leaders suggests:
“Both men and women don’t like boastful women. You can be competent, and that’s fine, as long as you don’t brag about it.”
Why? Is this a societal stereotype that modesty is expected even of highly accomplished women who achieve their goals in life and business?I was shouting my success from the rooftops.
I blogged about my whole weight loss journey and my return to health. I had great support and encouragement, and then it hit. BOOM. I am a fraud someone is going to find out. It sounds ridiculous now. But at the time it caused me significant emotional distress and pain. It took over the holiday season and consumed my every thought.
As a result of the stress overload, I got sick! The self-doubt won. On December 31st, 2014 my 39th birthday I ended up in the a&e urinating blood and needing a hefty dose of antibiotics. I had to have a weeks bed rest to resolve a severe kidney infection and Crohns flare-up.
I got sick f**k this shit I am a fraud now!
The power of the mind and manifestations in body eh?
I had no emotional resilience. I had muscles and physical strength but no emotional fitness…yet!
In a 2010 study by psychologists Rory O’Brien McElwee, Ph.D., and Tricia Yurak, PhD more than a third of the people studied said they felt others saw them as more competent personally or socially than they saw themselves. Some said they weren’t as emotionally resilient as they appeared to be, or that they felt as if they had no talent. For the full article see how to overcome self-doubt.So, what is the solution?
We need more confidence and less doubt. Part of what makes imposter syndrome so tricky to overcome is that the very thing that drives many successful women (the need to be perfect is also what fuels their self-doubt).
“Smart women often see perfection as a synonym for achievement,” says Carol Dweck, Ph.D., a Stanford University psychologist, and author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. A great read I recommend!
“The minute we start to struggle, we think, Oops, maybe I don’t belong here.”
I felt I didn’t belong in this body, but yet I had fought for years to peel back the layers and reveal this woman. Why did I think I still wasn’t good enough? My mind was telling me lies. It told me I was not competent even though I had the evidence to prove I could do it. It kept bringing me back to my past failures. It tried to make that my truth again. I had to tell myself the truth. I could overcome this.
How?
I wrote everything down that I had succeeded at since May 2014. I gave myself credit for my strength and success. I banked it all and withdrew it to bring me into 2015 in a more confident, capable manner. I kept doing what I was afraid to do and said “yes” to myself and “no” to caring what others thought of my success.
Having worked with successful people in the past year, I can tell you they all have one thing in common. They credit their success. There is nothing wrong with that.
You can read my piece on my 2 step strategy to overcoming self-doubt here.
I hustled and figured it out, so can you. If you are in a place at present where you are afraid of the fear of success, know that it is normal. Ride the emotions it brings you to challenge them. Ask yourself how can I take back control.
Here is one of the best questions I had to ask myself, and I still use it to this day still.
Why am I selling myself out?
Finally, as you may have figured out by now, if you read my blogs I am a bit of a storyteller of life and experience. If you have not seen Andre Rieu yet get yourself a ticket if it is your thing! Andre is playing in Dublin again this week, and I am listening to him here as I write this blog.
This is how I look when I write by the way, like a woman on a mission listening to Andre’s version of Ravel’s Bolero!
Anyhow, his concerts are a magical experience. I will leave you with his beautiful rendition of Life is beautiful. Roll on 2018 I am hoping to see him in Maastricht. It is on the bucket list.
Health, happiness and success as always. Go and scream it from the rooftops.
Contact me for more details of coaching packages available
Originally published at www.challengeuchangeu.com on December 6, 2017.
