I Don't Need Humans Today
I need animals, art, tea, brown bread and old TV shows.
Empty-headed, thoughtless, and mindless are all words used by some people occasionally to make others like my Autistic self feel dehumanized, unintelligent and stupid. Full-headed and cognizant, thoughtful, and mindful are all words used by some to make some of us feel validated by others. All constructs are construed by concepts ingrained in the human psyche of what is and is not deemed acceptable ways of being.
But what an actual Autist joy it would be to literally be empty-headed, to embrace an empty head with the freedom of judgment and echoes from others’ perceptions of what they classify as deficits running through one’s mind. Today I am at one with my empty head, emptying into my art and old episodes of the Twilight Zone (another childhood hyperfocused special interest) while talking to my dog in only a way that being Autistic lets me communicate with her. She doesn’t have complicated body language, societally built biases and corrupted emotions to absorb and distort my own.
I don’t need humans today. Instead, I need animals, art, tea, brown bread and old TV shows while I am wrapped up in the comfort of my soft pyjamas and the tactile sensory calming of my nervous system it brings. I need my rejuvenating sanctuary and silence after an episode of emotional upheaval that caught up with me over the weekend and caused a shutdown — energy-draining but also cathartic on many levels.
Too many thoughts in my head, thoughtful, mindful and full-headed, not even necessarily negative or doom related, have inevitably caused too many sleepless nights over the last two weeks, as I can hear myself debating and talking out my thoughts in my sleep to try and process them.
Melatonin and early nights are on the way…
Apps deleted. Schedule. Strategy. Sanity.
Today, I also need to be mindful, forgetful and thoughtless.
Today I need to rest.
I hope you can too.
Originally published via LinkedIn on 14/05/2023.
