First-World Autism Problems
That people don’t comprehend aren’t issues for me until they ensure they become one.
Being interrupted and questioned repeatedly…
‘Are you okay?’ when I’m alone with my thoughts, speculating about life or concentrating intensely on what excites me. Respecting individuals need to do so allows us to accept them as they are in a joyous way. Do try it. Like when everyone is at work, and someone’s office drama or gossip interrupts them every 30 seconds or with an email? Yes, that sort of thing. I suppose you don’t like it either.
Asking if I’m okay is a sweet gesture, but I assure you that those close to me know now since I can tell them how I feel and why; if I weren’t okay, I wouldn’t be quiet.
I’d be inconsolable.
All or nothing.
I noticed that as the pandemic ended, various things would send me into spells of inconsolable states for hours, such as when people in my house turned up the TV’s volume or family members reunited and screamed with joy. It is challenging to separate myself from myself because of this. Immersion in deep interoception does not strike me as being self-centred. So naturally, I monitor how much time it takes, but I always get what I need from it. And so others must understand that it is emotionally conflicting to tear me away from my thinking.
As a result of a long period of inadequate self-awareness, which manifested in every aspect of my life, I now accept my deep need for interoception. This is obvious now, of course, as it led me to discover with professionals that I was Autistic. In my 20’s and 30s, I rarely went into inconsolable states as I was operating on autopilot, heavily masking and numb. It is better for me to experience my kind of hysterics now because it provides me with the knowledge I need to control myself better and accept the sequence of events that led to it.
While it doesn’t often happen now because I am left to be alone and in deep concentration, it used to happen a lot when I was younger, which makes perfect sense. As selfish as it seems, I can own a lot of my ideas and regulating techniques because I am a solitary soul. I, like many Autistic individuals, am adaptable once I understand why these things occur and what control I have over them while still being considerate of others’ needs.
I also seldom ask people, ‘Are you okay?’ because it’s lost so much value. It’s like small talk. I need value driven connection. I imagine this enables societal scripts of lacking empathy. Untrue. I rely on my instincts to guide me when I need to ask someone the most. My gut instinct has never failed me. So I’m okay. Dark and mysterious. Bright and curious. I’ve been described as dynamic or mundane in my quietness.
I’ll own all of that. I’ll keep quiet. I write a lot more than I talk. And when I’m not okay, I’ll let you know, as I’ve always done with my writing inspired by something I have thought so deeply about.
