No More Storms In Teacups
And some reflective hindsight to aid self-advocacy
It is a day for nervous system resets, tea, and listening to the garden wind chime more chaotically as Mother Nature takes out her anger at the world in the garden as Storm Agnes hits us here in Ireland. I appreciate how menacingly she warns us of the darkness of what lies ahead; nothing changes if nothing changes. The tea cozy is a poignant reminder of a time when, if nothing changes, nothing changes, as I learned many years ago at the height of chronic burnout and unwellness when I knit it.
I am reviewing chapter drafts for a book I was asked to be part of by a pair of late-diagnosed ADHD and autism influencers who are apparently a big deal and have a book deal in the UK. I did some research to ensure it aligned with my values, but aside from the fact that I have no clue who they are since it was to help late-diagnosed women, I consented to give my time unpaid to help as a give back.
As I read the chapter drafts I am quoted in, this again reminds me of the value of nervous system resets. As I sit listening to external storms today, I am grateful the internal ones have calmed because I can now speak to my needs more calmly and confidently.
There is so much shame,’ says Pauline. Shame of difference, the shame of not fitting in, the shame of being labelled “the difficult one”. Often, we feel shame due to external expectations placed on us,’ says Pauline. So it’s about thinking to yourself, “I’m going to manage my expectations; they’re mine, no one else’s.” It’s about waking up each morning and saying, “I accept myself and my expectations in that space.”
It is also a valuable reminder of self-advocacy’s importance, effectively expressing our Autistic self by allowing us to speak to our needs. Self-advocacy can be challenging as it involves self-disclosure and vulnerability, which, unfortunately, can bring external judgment from others. Still, I see it now that people will judge me regardless based on their own values and belief systems, so I might as well step into my autonomous self now and not let their judgements enable me to engage in my imposter pursuits of pedantic perfectionism and self-critique.
Some Autistic people like myself in my past lived experience and subsequent burnout can struggle with asking for what they need as a result of many things, including:
- Conditioning and masking to blend in and be polite
- Fear of inviting in another label of being difficult because of past shame and trauma about our unique needs
- People pleasing
- Not being able to find the words to ask for what they need
- Being sensitive to rejection
I often ask my groups or people I work with to consider reflective reframes for each of the above-lived experiences where relevant.
- Where have I done the opposite of all the abovementioned things, and how did it make me feel?
- How can I look for evidence that enables me to feel my way into acting upon my needs and self-advocacy?
Consider using a reflection journal to note life and work events that have challenged or enabled us to self-advocate with consideration of some of these self-reflection prompts.
- What do self-advocacy and confidence mean to me?
- How often do I communicate my needs in my life or at work?
- What merit did I have when advocating for myself?
- How did it influence how I felt?
- What can I do better to serve my needs next time if needed?
- How will I use this knowledge to prepare myself better as needed?
- To protect my wellbeing, I have a right to ask for?
- People may not…
- As I am Autistic, I would benefit from…
In this self-advocacy space, relating to oneself becomes more cathartic and our norm when acted upon with grace and self-compassion. The confidence muscle builds, and we can begin to acknowledge and live within the strength-driven ability that self-advocacy can give us.
Anyway, that’s just a short, hopefully beneficial, reflective self-coaching piece some of you may find helpful today as I sit here doing some website and publication updates on a perfect day to be indoors, gratefully writing and honouring my own needs as a priority.
I will update you on the book as it progresses and is published, and I look forward to reading it, perhaps on more stormy days here in Ireland, with tea, candles, and hindsight. That can tell you more than the tea leaves at the bottom of a teacup any day.
Happy Wednesday.
PS: I will remind myself to publish a piece soon on speaking to our needs with some communication recommendations that may make it easier for you to do so.
PS: I write as part of my life’s work but do not have any notions about making a full-time career or living from this publication. Still, I do value my work as many others do also, and therefore, I would kindly ask if you find my writing of value and have any spare financial means to consider one of the following options:
Pledge your support for my publication on Substack
Make a donation to AsIAm Irelands National Autism Charity.
Please support me on Ko-fi, from where I will donate a portion of these earnings to various charities I support at year-end via my annual company donations.
Thank you for reading and supporting my work and writing.
